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Mar
29

SOCCER-MANIA by KOFI DUODU, SELF-STYLED ‘Emperor of Utopia’

HOW KOTOKO CONDUCTED THE PHOBIAN CENTENNIAL STATE BURIAL SERVICE …  AND WEMBLEY WITH NO QUINCY IS TYPICAL OSTRICH STYLE!!!!

Dearest Maniac Chieftains who know that “Ghanaian boys are the best”, all ye unadulterated Fabulous addicts, it is with great pleasure that I commune with you once again, after barricading myself in Utopia where I rule as Emperor.

You may recall how I gave out the blue-print for  winning the World Cup and how all my predictions came true;  and how a bunch of over-enthusiastic  ignoramuses gave subtle advice which led to Quincy Owusu Abeyie being dropped  in the Ghana-Uruguay game. Was it  simply because the ‘Emperor of Utopia’ had predicted that Prince Tagoe wouldn’t be able to cut it and when insults were being heaped on Tagoe all over the airwaves and every-one was convinced I really knew my bit  — especially after Quincy had salvaged our pride with a lone goal against Latvia, after Holland had deflated our spirits with a 4 goals to 1 drubbing — yes after it was crystal clear that all my brags would come to pass, the subtle spoilers of people’s destinies, the same crew that changed Baba Armando’s destiny, were at it again.

They had nothing but jealousy against the Utopian accuracy of predictions, and –yes — they left Quincy out of the U.S. game! But when JAH had mercy on us and gave us a victory over the US, they now thought to dribble God Almighty, who authorised me with my correct predictions.

The victory against the US, of course, gave us all  swelled heads as well as the goodwill of the whole continent including  Mr Mandela himself. Yet, the envious  fringe, in real Kweku Ananse fashion, convinced coach Milo with the smoothest of tongues, that Appiah was the man for the day, and when everyone was expecting Quincy. It was  the greatest treachery ever perpetrated on the African continent. Of course, Mandela would not know as I knew that Tagoe would be a liability and Quincy would be a saviour, just like was made  manifest against Latvia.

Which of the men of God was able to tell you that Tagoe would mar the group stages,  when we should have been on full throttle by the third match, because we’d sacrificed our World Cup on Prince Tagoes altar? It took us the 4th match against the U.S to really get going and so by the 5th match, we were not blazing fire for we’d joked , yes we’d really joked with the group stages.

Neither did the millions of well-wishers, how could they know all the intestines of Ghana soccer like a Robert Mensah kid like me? The well- wishers were short-changed, but would they even be aware of it?

And what did I get for my sound advice? I had told you how  the Heavens had a vested interest in Ghana’s success and so JAH Almighty eliminated us as though we’d won but ‘all die was die’, because we didn’t  ‘dzi our fie asem well koraa!” And that is why you haven’t heard from me since June 2919, because if it wasn’t for this greatest of human lapses called envy where you hate someone who can do things that are wey beyond you, who says we couldn’t have out-marshalled Uruguay with Quincy in a heavenly mix, and who says the World Cup wouldn’t be at the Castle today, for visiting dignitaries to  view? [Ei, Charlie, you over-believe in yourself paaa! –Ed)

Yes, and we thank all who took the decisions so that Kotoko Express wouldn’t come out during the World Cup! You did the nation  a ‘great service’ to shut me up. So I shut up and you think if I’d been vocal Kotoko would have decsended to hell in the league 1st round? We are going to Wembley and pretending it was not Quincy’s exclusion from the Uruguay game that vexed JAH. And we are pretending that ‘the Wembley Assembly’ is not a prophecy.

But there’s an old time reggae singer called Micky Dread, and in a 1980 sound,  starts a song by toasting: ‘And this one is called Wembley Assembly, A Prophecy’. And the time has come for ‘Wembley Assembly’ to be fulfilled,  and yet we don’t have any luxury blend without Quincy Owusu Abeyie  as I would say.

They will not admit their fault and will grope in the dark and we shan’t get no luxury. Who knows the English game better than Quincy? Have you forgotten he’s  an “Arsene Wenger youth”? The camel’s hump is right where it is and of course we’ll fight at Wembley but shall it be a ‘Luxurious Upsetting’? Send for the man and stop lying to your souls, Oh Mighty Authorities. Fellow maniacs, go on the net, type You Tube and type Quincy Owusu Abeyie and see if even Dede is not minute in front of ‘el hurricano’. They even have Quincy versus Messi, where Quincy leaves 5 for dead and assists a goal, whereas Messi is disposessd in the entanglements. And we have to beg for such a one? AO  Ghana! Good Luck Stars in Congo and Wembley. We shall pray hard, though this is not the true representation of what a Ghanaian can do with a ball.

FAAAAAAAAAABULOUS!!! Dr K.K . Sarpong and his porcupines lived up to our adage,‘kum apem,apem beba’ for after a terrible pelting of hailstones during the 1st round of the league, they went in for 14 new players midseason and that was enough for everyone to know say ‘Ya ye waaaald‘ (as in wild) men, what you talking about? Yes, 14 new boys and we disposed of quite a few of our below par performers. And then with  our Godfather Malik Jabir the conqueror of Congo Kinshasa of whom Seidu Anas will say ‘I was invited to Black Stars in 1973 but I didn’t play till 1977 because Malik was there’! Yes with Malik as technical advisor and heavyweights like Joe Carr in attendance, how could our Serbian coach B.K. go wrong? Yes so it was that by week 21 we had made sure of our ascent from hell and before we realized, it was time for the match that makes and unmasks people.

Can you remember how in the late 80’s, when Mr Ofori Nuako was our chairman, he could confidently brag that on his watch Kotoko never lost a match to Hearts of Oak, and that was swell bragging, original ‘I talk and do‘ aya, everyone say  ‘I talk and do”! This match was the ticket to fame of Kotoko class 2011. Dr Sarpong was well aware of the whole works and decided to grab destiny with both hands. So it was that Kotoko came to Accra and Hearts hadn’t a clue as to the wickedness that lay in store for them.

Less talk, we were in full ‘Agoro ne fom’ mode, and the natural mystique was blowing in the air. One has to be able to be in sync with the times and seasons, for with our age-old rivals, T.P. Mazembe of Congo D.R. back at the top of African soccer, having gone as far as to  win  a world clubs’ final silver medal, it follows that Asante Kotoko are next in line  — just like in the late 60s, when these 2 clubs churned out some of the best soccer ever played in the world.

In those days, Kotoko’s technical adviser, Malik, was the chief rifleman upsetting: he badly upset President Mobutu! Yes — at that same venue where Ali beat Foreman. Dr Sarpong we need some extra- galactic thinking, for you are destiny’s child. I tell you with Mazembe back, Kotoko is next in line — as I would say.

Saturday night before the match, and I have this  very weird dream, which leaves me floundering for an  interpretation. In the dream, come and see little kindergarten, 3 to 7 year-old kids, rolling on the turf and doing cartwheels in full ‘as happy as a baby boy’ mode! And where on earth were they doing these cartwheels and stuff? In the cemetery! One kid even fell in a half-open grave! Oh they were rolling about the cemetery in careless abandon, ‘constellations-go-bliss’ mode and itdoesn’t take too long for me to figure out that Hearts are dead logs and that  today, ‘nkwadaa no bedi agoro ankasa’.

Then, on my way to the stadium I peep at the Ntional “wicked” lotto results and the 3rd number drawn is 35: Ashanti!! Are we not 1935 born?”. On 9th January 2005, with the ‘fed cup’ up for grabs in Kumasi between Kotoko and Hearts, can you believe that on my way to Baba Yara Stadium, I peeked at the lotto numbers and they included 11 and 53? And I swear to God, if I’d seen the numbers the previous day, I wouldn’t even have sete foot in Kumasi, for Kotoko’s 35 had been inverted and  turned  into 53 and the Phobians’ 11 from 1911, had dropped — meaning Kotoko would lose, period. You see, when a man is ‘free with God ‘ , as I’m priveledged to be, you see the higher hieghts the Lord can show you,  for who Jah bless,no man curse as I would say. (Enough boasting oh, Bo — Ed!)

Some maniac sistren were at Oman FM and they called themselves ‘Fabulous Ladies’ who meet in Dansoman and they all claimed they had fasted and because they said they’d fasted, I had respect for them  and so paid attention, as I had also fasted till 8pm. And one of them said ‘You see at a state burial, how the national flag is draped around the casket? So Hearts of Oak came from the tunnel fully draped in their large flag, so one couldn’t see  them from the midriff, how much more the head? And in that fashion, said they, their prayers were that Hearts should be draped fully in Kotoko goals! And they knew not that the burial service was in full swing,  for in the very first minute, some ‘suuliya‘ nutmeg that Michael Akuffo would give, and then, an  accurate pass, and a next and a next — whaaaat? Surely today was going to be special .

Alex Asamoah was also in the mix, for a clever touch to Ahmed Toure was so syncronised that when Toure pushed the ball once into the box, I was the first to shout Gooaaal! for we’d pushed the draughts and this was straight ‘akroma’!

4 minutes gone, too good to be true and then the ‘Barcelona passes’ which we used to play in Malik’s day, came to bear. In the 1st round of the league, Kotoko could not string 4 clean passes together and now come and see the game being confidently spread all around and out of various entanglements, for the passes that went on before  that perfect ‘kickings’ by Nii Adjei! How perfect again can a goal be?? Oooh! — it was perfection of Utopian proportions .

Every man say ‘perfectly sweet’. The first half was a really authoritative display and everyone did his bit. Oh what a perfect day it was. Kuffuor and Awal were like timbers in the forest, ‘on top, down under’. Weyside you go pass Hasiphobia?

Oduro’s spirit was already deflated, because he deserved more than 17 minutes and so he wasn’t in the 100 percent mode, but one thing he did was give a toss from the right which Master Toure trapped to bat on the turn, and during the turn, he should have left the ball fast like lightening, for a next man was coming to smash it.But Toure didn’t figure it out fast enough, for someone also wanted to take Nii Adjei’s ball on the turn and quick as lightning realised that Daniel Nii Adjei was better poisde and that was remarkable quick thinking.

The Galaxies are ours for the taking. Dr Sarpong be true to the spirit,for it is definitely back from a long, long hibernation. Thank You again and again, Almighty Jah, for bestowing such a perfect day on our famished soccer souls.

One Big Love and respect.

Nice One.

Thank You Fabu. Everyone is. Fabulously flabbergasted. HA,HA,HA, HIP,HIP HOORAAAAY!!!


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