OH GIVE GARGANTUAN THANKS UNTO WOYOME!
By CAMERON DUODU
Oh give gargantuan thanks unto Alfred Agbesi Woyome, for he is beneficent and his magnificence shall last for ever!
Why should we give gargantuan thanks unto this man?
Let him tell you himself:
QUOTE: I’ve regretted serving Ghana .. I do ask myself why this is happening to me, but I have to live above this and work for God and my country,” the Financial Engineer told The Independent in an exclusive interview at his residence in Accra.
I was so touched by Woyome’s plaintive cry that Ghana does not appreciate the way he has selflessly “served” the nation that I decided to set matters right. I decided to constitute a delegation which would go to Woyome, with ashes on their faces and leaves of grass between their teeth, to render an unqualified apology to our First-ever Financial Engineer and reassure him that his name will never be expunged from the annals of our nation.
FIRST MEMBER OF DELEGATION: MARTIN AMIDU, former Attorney-General and now One-man Campaigner Supreme. This is the apology Amidu will render on behalf of his countrymen and women:
“Hearken thou then, our humble thanks unto thee, oh Alfred a.k.a. Agbesi, a.k.a. Woyome! For without thee, the nation of Ghana would never have known that any person can own a contract that has never been signed, nor witnessed nor stamped, nor notarised, neither passed through Parliament, in respect of the foreign component thereof.
Without thee, we the ignorant people of Ghana, would never have thought it possible that a case could go through a lawfully constituted court of Ghana, over a contract, without the document of the said contract being tendered in evidence by the plaintiff, inspected and handled by the judge, and eluded “objection” , if any, by the defence!
What is the gravamen of a case over a contract without the contract being seen and adjudged genuine by the court? Suppose it was a forgery? Suppose it was enforceable only in the Austro/Hungarian Empire before the collapse of said Empire in 1918? Alfred, otherwise known as Agbesi, you have done your nation a favour. From now on, every judge will know that he should scrutinise every contract brought before him with as much vigilance as though it were a pink sheet; and look at the front, the back, the top, the bottom and the sides thereof, before deciding that it was the same as the 9,400,873 other pink sheets shown to him by the petitioners.
I extol thee, Woyome, for without thee, how could I, humble Martin Amidu, have coined the phrase, “rented party press?” Now, when the history of the presidency of the late President John Atta Mills is examined by historians, they will always append a footnote when they reflect on the propaganda practices of the time: “rented party press” (Ascribed to Amidu M, re his ruthless lynching by the newspapers of his own party, on their being advised secretly that despite hints from the presidency, Amidu intended to fight the“Woyome case” with all the vigour he should have reserved for members of the Opposition.)
Finally, Alfred, thanks be to thee for opening my eyes to the “wonkye nni” principle, whereby, while some of us lawyers work our backsides off trying to win our cases, others do manage to reach a“settlement” with those seeking to fleece Ghana, over one or two drinks, present it to a court, and have it classified as a judgement debt which the state is obliged to pay without demur, from the Consolidated Fund, in order to uphold the integrity of the exalted judicial system of Ghana. How could I have won my case in the Supreme Court and become a household word, without the crafty manoeuvring (call it “the real financial engineering!”) behind the scenes, that netted Waterville 40m Euros and your good self C51 million? I render thanks unto thee, oh Alfred, for thy sleight-of-hand has brought ignominy that shall last for ever, upon the heads of some of the great and powerful of the land, who put their pockets first and our beloved Ghana’s welfare last.”!
SECOND MEMBER OF DELEGATION: KENNEDY AGYAPONG, MP:
“Your Excellency Alfred Agbesi Woyome, former Consul-Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the Kingdom of Ruritania – (yes, yes, some say Austria but I like the whiskers of Rupert of Hentzau!) know thee by these presents that I, Honourable Kennedy Agyapong, MP, once reputed even in my own party as a hot-head, have. through Your Excellency, got to confirm to myself that reading the Auditor-General’s Report assiduously is a far more profitable enterprise than using my own radio stations to proclaim my political philosophy. I discovered, and told my fellow MPs, of the incredible sums of money expended on behalf of the state in respect of ‘judgement debts’. And now, thanks to thee, Your Excellency, my name is known as one of the MPs most ardent in executing their public duties on behalf of the nation. Thanks be to thee for ever.
THIRD MEMBER OF DELEGATION: MR JUSTICE JONES DOTSE: Alfred Agbesi Woyome, I bring you my felicitations and those of my brother judges of the Supreme Court, who ordered Waterville Holdings to refund 40m Euros to the Government of Ghana. We wished we could have stood you in the dock to congratulate you in person. But as you have cases bearing on this matter before lower courts, we decided that you could not divide yourself into two and that we should not make a pronouncement on issues concerning you until the lower courts –both criminal and civil – have disposed of your case.
However, my brother Supreme Court Judges and I are eternally grateful to you for exposing to us and our fellow countrymen, how a carefully-orchestrated plan by a brigade made up some individuals, companies and lawyers, can be hatched to loot our country. In particular, it was instructive for us to observe how you, Woyome and Waterville ingeniously entered into an unholy alliance to loot and share the resources of this country — as if, I repeat, a brigade had been set up precisely for such an enterprise.
We are also grateful for the opportunity to bare our minds on certain developments concerning the way and manner in which some lower court judges and counsel who appear before them conduct their cases.
The Attorney General’s office at the time, headed by Madam Betty Mould-Iddrisu, as well as the lawyers of Waterville and yourself, Mr Woyome oversaw the state parting away with the enormous judgement debts.
if Madam Iddrisu had critically ascertained the claims made on government by the defendants, it would have become very clear to her that the claims of Waterville and you. Woyome, against the Government of Ghana cannot hold water. The lawyers of the defendants in the case, must also be censured. As I say, you have given us the opportunity to show the whole country what the Supreme Court of Ghana is made of. No doubt, we may meet again – as your cases in the lower courts may well land on our desks. I am sure we shall have occasion to thank you even more, should that happen, Your Excellency thou Wizard of FE (Financial Engineering).